PAULIE PICKS

I guess the city of Lexington is waiting for the Joker to be removed from the crumbling deck of cards that is know as UK Football. On the surface, a lot of UK fans feign indifference about the gridiron program...especially now that basketball is so close. Deep down, you know it irks them.

USF recently ran an open forum for questions to be submitted to embattled football coach Skip Holtz and possibly to be answered on his weekly radio show. The Bulls are 2-4 and 'Mama ain't happy in Tampa, boys...' Some of the questions were hilarious and most will never make the airwaves.

So, in that same vein, here a list of questions that could be fun for Joker Phillips to wade through on his weekly football show. Enjoy!

Hey Coach, Do you wake up most mornings, look in the mirror and mutter, "Dude, u suck!" ?

Dear Coach Phillips. I have a small piece of property outside some swamp land in Arkansas. With the real estate market the way it is, I'm willing to build a small cabin on it, equip it with an outhouse and will consider running electricity and water to the property. If I turn the deed over to you, would you kindly get the f&^% out of Lexington?

Joker. Are you part of a Communist or Tea Party plot to undermine morals, corrupt the youth and ruin football at UK?

Coach, did your panties get in a uproar and all moist in Fayetteville last week, bitch?

Hey loser! Would you please get in your pimpmobile, wipe that s#!$-eating grin off your face and kindly get on I-75 South and never return?

Hi, Mr. Butthead! You are an epic fail of huge proportions. Do you still have a penis?

Do you like Spaghetti-O's? I love them! I often eat them straight out of the can! Maybe you could come over and we could eat them and look at my picture collection of shot-putters? I would like to see UK Football but I can't leave the house because I poopie all the time. Could you bring the team over to play in my backyard? Or could you put a toilet on the sidelines at Commonwealth and maybe I could sit there, go poopie and watch? I love Spaghetti-O's!

How much did Charlie Strong pay you to throw the season?

Hi, Coach! I coach a 4th grade team at St. Blessed Fish Fry and I think I have some plays that my kids run that could be of some help to you. Or, I could lend you a few of my players?

I have been a UK football fan since the days of Blanton Collier. I am so disgusted with this year's team that I have started to build a small nuclear device in my shed. What's the address of the UK Football office?

Bozo. Would you please put the crack pipe down and just walk away from it?

Is it true that John Calipari had you served with a restraining order to keep you 500 yards away from anything that has to do with UK Basketball? How's life on Shit Avenue?

Have a great Wednesday! I'm going to go warm up some Spaghetti-O's now, Bye bye!
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